Note to self:  NEVER try to mix politics and religion to get Libs (even lib friends) to laugh, especially via email.

Ok. So I knew not to do it. I haven't done it in a long time.  I've fought doing it.  But, well, dang it, I just could nae resist this time. 

A little while back one of my shaggy haired friends sent an email to his acquaintances and friends whom he assumed were bent to the left.  Well that's his fault now isn't it?  So I get this email and it has some nonsense about how Bush is going to kill art in America.  I know, what the heck are they talking about?  You mean I won't be able to see any more Abu Grahib photos which I mistook for newly discovered Mapplethorp's?  I shall try to carry on.

So this email says something to the effect that we must act now etc etc.  Being a natural born comedian who has seen more Principal's offices than Mel Reynolds' dates, I just couldn't let it go unattended.  I hit the "reply all" button and sent the following:

"Good one, Jehosephat (not his real name)! " 

Now this was just supposed to be a way of saying, "Right! Like I would ever agree with that pantload good buddy."  So far, pretty harmless.  But I left my little signature phrase that I have attached to all my emails.  It reads:

The heart of the wise inclines to the right,
       but the heart of the fool to the left.
Ecclesiastes 10:2

Have you ever closed your fingers in a drawer or the car door but you actually see yourself doing it ahead of time and just can't stop?  Well, as I hit "reply all" a mild form of that feeling went through me.  Did I know what would happen if I did not erase my little phrase from the email?  Probably.  Did I care if I offended strangers?  Nah, not at my age.  Forget them if they can't take a joke. 

They can't take a joke. That's right. The Lefties, long known for being knee-slappingly funny; the intellectually mature among us with a refined sense of humor went ballistic.  They were shocked. Stunned.  Angry.  I found out later that the fellow I actually respect and like was really P.O.ed and whined about me during a card game.   

Now, I know it was bad manners and normally I take care to be polite and not act like a bore.  And I know that even Libs have a chance to get into Heaven (sigh).  I sent a mea culpa to Jehoshephat telling him that I shouldn't have tried to mix politics and religion and jokes with strange people. 

I shouldn't have. Really. snicker...

You ever look at some people and automatically assume that they are nice and friendly?  I've seen some people and thought, "Oh yeah, he's a good guy."   Sports fans especially do this with the Game's stars - whatever the sport.  Mike Vick, QB of the Atlanta Falcons is one of those guys.  Now some fans down here in the Atl think Vick looks and acts like a thug.  These folks, let's call them Braves fans, obviously do judge a book by its cover.  Me, I have worked with the public for most of my life and am gregarious by nature.  I know that the little old man I just helped may have been a child predator when he was younger but the bald-headed guy with the tats may have just gotten saved and is a new man.  

The Braves fans do have a point.  Many "yoots" today do look like thugs.  They are just trying to look cool like previous generations.  But, having interacted with many different types in the community, I have learned not to judge a book by it's cover.  Some of the nicest people I've ever met have looked hard and tough.   Some of the meanest and lowdown have dressed nicely and had "class". 

I used to think Vick is one of those guys who is really nice and genuine and a good guy at heart.  I have changed my mind based on his latest imbroglio. I think he is hanging around the wrong people and does not know how to change.  Maybe he doesn't have the courage to do it.  Maybe his background and environment is too ingrained in him.  Maybe he never had to answer or be responsible for his actions before. 

I definitely based my opinion about Vick on looks alone.  He just doesn't look like a jerk to me.  He doesn't sound like a jerk. He looks like someone who should be wearing normal clothes and going to Walmart and putting on a tie and going to work.  What he is doing, however, is trying to dress the part of the "Gangsta Hip-Hopper".  It's stupid, I know.
 
Having said all this, I think it's time for him to go to jail if he gets convicted of his latest faux pas.  Apparently, he and his relatives enjoy dog fighting.  At a distance if you hear the term "dog fighting" you might think, "Boy that doesn't sound very humane. What a shame." But, upon further reflection, you will find that it is a brutal, vicious, low-life thing to do to innocent dogs.  It's a cowardly "sport".  These manly men get their dogs to do their fighting for them.  What is that?!  Why don't they put on the studded gloves and combat boots and fight themselves?  It's like that loser who should be in jail, Jayson Williams, who killed his own dog for not being tough enough.  Then he acted like a gangsta and killed his limo driver.  Of course, he got scared and acted like a little girl when it came time to getting treated like a gangsta.  Anyway the sport and the people involved in it are ignorant, evil scum.  And Mike Vick apparently is/was right in the middle of it. 

I think he should be suspended and probably will.  The new Commish of the NFL, Roger Goddell, doesn't play around anymore with the NFL thuglifers.  Vick has always been on the cusp of showing his potential.  The joke around here is that 5 years from now, he will still be on the cusp of showing his potential.  Falcon owner Arthur Blank has invested millions in Vick and has stalled long enough so that he doesn't waste his money on the wayward QB. It looks like the investment was good money after bad human.  Vick has had too many negative PR moments to make up for the occasional flash of brilliance on the field.  What a waste.

Last week I did a list of Top 10 guy comedies.  Let me introduce you to a new entry, number 10 with a bullet, or bullets and lots of 'em.

Hot Fuzz is a tremendously entertaining movie. I can't explain the plot too much but it will keep you guessing I'll tell ya.  It stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost from the underrated Shaun of the Dead. Pegg is so perfect as supercop Nick Angel that he makes the other officers on the London force look bad.   So they ship him off to a small village where the living is dull.  Of course, the town turns into an episode of "Murder, She Wrote" on a bender.  Nick Frost is officer Danny Butterman, a good hearted but underachieving son of the Police Captain.  Pegg and Frost make a very funny team again in this film.  Angel wants everything done by the book but he's no Frank Burns.  He just thinks things go better when the letter of the law is followed.  Unfortunately for him, the town doesn't really see it that way.  But they good-humoredly go along with Angel.  Officer Butterman sees Angel as a role model hero.  Butterman peppers Angel with questions like, "Have you ever fired two guns whilst flying through the air?".  Angel answers tersely, "No."  Undeterred, Butterman changes the subject, "Have you ever fired ONE gun whilst flying through the air?" 

The movie rolls along and Angel can't understand how he ended up in a town like this.  The movie starts to turn at this point. Angel starts to notice things, some of them quite obvious.  The townsfolks, of course, don't know what he's talking about.  This is as far as I can go about the plot but I will tell you that the movie is very clever and smart.  The actors have perfect comic timing and the dialogue is hysterical.  You think you know where the movie is going but you don't.  Just watch and enjoy and buckle up.  My wife and I laughed at loud several times.  We commented more than once, that this movie is crazy. 

Rules are:  Has to have a bucketful of quotable quotes.  Romance must not be emphasized, otherwise Roxanne would be on the list.  Physical assault or discomfort are winners.  Stupidity or juvenile behavior is recommended.


1. Blazing Saddles - Mel Brooks' western offering.  Cleavon Little stars as a black sheriff in the old west.  Harvey Korman is the evil politico Heddy "That's Hedley" Lamar and Slim Pickens is his minion.  Gene Wilder is the washed up Waco Kid.  Madeline Kahn does a fine Greta Garbo character Lili Von Shtupp. Hilarious take on the old west and how it might really have been.  Richard Pryor co-wrote with Brooks. Tons of quotes. 

[Lili Von Schtupp offers Bart a gigantic sausage]
Lili Von Shtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
Lili Von Shtupp: Well how about a little...
[whispers in his ear]
Bart: [shocked] Baby. I'm not from Havana. 


2. Caddyshack - timeless comedy about the rich and poor.  Takes place at a wealthy country club where Chevy Chase is the ace golfer Ty Webb, Ted Baxter is the assinine judge Smails, Bill Murray is the greenskeeper Carl Spackler and the great Rodney Dangerfield is Al Czervik the land developer who is not welcome to the club. 

Sandy: I want you to kill every gophers on the golf course!
Carl Spackler: Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key ...
Sandy: Not golfers, you great fool! Gophers! The *little* *brown*, *furry* *rodents* -!
Carl Spackler: We can do that; we don't even have to have a reason. All right, let's do the same thing, but with gophers -!


Carl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!


3. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - I know, I know.  Some Americans don't get British humor.  Tough. This is a guys' list and therefore there's no need to be gentle.  The Monty Python crew revisits the Empire's founding and gives it there own twist.  

French Soldier: You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts. 


4. Raising Arizona  - An ex-cop and and an ex-con get married.  They can't have children and notice that a rich couple have quintuplets, so....
Nicolas Cage, Holly Hunter, John Goodman, and William Forsythe star in this hilarious comedy from the Coen Brothers.

Prison Counsellor: Why do you say you feel "trapped" in a man's body.
"Trapped" Convict: Well, sometimes I get them menstrual cramps real hard.


5. So I Married an Axe Murderer - Mike Myers stars in this comedy where a normal Joe falls in love with a beautiful butcher who may or may not be a serial killer.  Myers plays his own dad - a man who loves all things Scottish.  The cast is excellent: Nancy Travis, Anthony LaPaglia, Amanda Plummer, Alan Arkin, Debi Mazur, and the late Phil Hartman who steals the scene in his short stint. 

Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"?
Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass! 


6. Duck Soup - The Marx Brothers.  Basically any picture they're in is hilarious.  This one has Groucho as Rufus T. Firefly who is named president/dictator of bankrupt Freedonia. Naturally, hilarity ensues.  I just wanna give props to Harpo, who manages to be hilarious with his physical comedy.  Groucho, the master, zings so many one-liners it's hard to keep up.

Rufus T. Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Rufus T. Firefly: I bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end.
Rufus T. Firefly: No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, I see, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first. 


7.   Arthur - Dudley Moore is hilarious as a useless richboy who drinks his way through life until he runs into regular girl Liza Minelli.  John Gielgud is his faithful man servant Hobson.  Arthur's family is through playing with him and want him to marry Susan, the daughter of the nouveau riche thumb-breaker Burt Johnson. 

Arthur: You're a hooker? Jesus, I forgot! I just thought I was doing GREAT with you!

Arthur Bach: I race cars, play tennis, and fondle women, BUT! I have weekends off, and I am my own boss.


Hobson: Arthur, I see no reason for prolonging this conversation, unless you plan on knocking over a fruit-stand later this afternoon.
Hobson: [to Linda Marolla] Good luck in prison.


8. Uncle Buck - John Candy stars in this John Hughes comedy about a bummish man who is asked, as a last resort, to watch his brother's kids for a while.  Buck's long-suffering girlfriend tries to get him to shape up and the kids test his authority.  Meanwhile, Buck solves a few family problems with the oldest daughter.

[Buck's beat-up old car pulls up]
Bug: Ever hear of a tune-up? Hee hee hee hee hee.
Buck: Ah, heh heh heh. Ever hear of a ritual killing? Ah, heh heh heh heh heh
Bug: I don't get it.
Buck: You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. Ah, heh heh heh heh!

[at a meeting with the assistant principal, who's got a big unsightly growth on her face]
Anita: I'm Anita Hoargarth.
Buck Russell: [Staring at it] I'm Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I'm... I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My... my growth. My... uh, my pimple. I'm Uncle Wart. Just old Buck "Wart" Russell. That's what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma Head's coming." I'm s... uncle! Maisy Russell's uncle!


9. The Three Amigos - Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Martin Short star in this comedy that takes place in the early days of Hollywood.  Three unemployed actors, whose glory days are fading, except an offer to go to Mexico to shoot a movie - they think.  They've really been hired to save the town from the bad guy El Guapo. 

El Guapo: Jefe, would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?
Jefe: A what?
El Guapo: A *plethora*.
Jefe: Oh yes, El Guapo. You have a plethora.
El Guapo: Jefe, what is a plethora?
Jefe: Why, El Guapo?
El Guapo: Well, you just told me that I had a plethora, and I would just like to know if you know what it means to have a plethora. I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has *no idea* what it means to have a plethora.


10. Trading Places -  Back when Eddie Murphy and Dan Ackroyd were funny.  Street hustler Billy Ray Valentine takes advantage of an offer from the Duke brothers to experience what it's like to be rich.  He thinks he's getting over on them but they're really doing a social experiment on Billy Ray and Louis Winthorpe III.  They want to see if a man is what he is due to family or environment. Jamie Lee Curtis also stars.

Randolph Duke: Mother always said you were greedy.
Mortimer Duke: She meant it as a compliment. 


Louis Winthorpe III: He was wearing my Harvard tie. Can you believe it? My Harvard tie. Like oh, sure he went to Harvard. 
 
Big Black Guy: You beatin' 10 cops. How come I don't see no bruises on you?
Billy Ray Valentine: 'Cause I'm a karate man, see! And a karate man bruises on the inside! They don't show their weakness. But you don't know that because you're a big Barry White looking motherf$%#@er!


Honorable mention: Young Frankenstein, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, The Man with Two Brains, The Jerk, Sleeper, Bananas, The Lonely Guy, Stripes, Ghostbusters

 
















just kidding.  really, it's hard to come up with comedies that don't have a Jew as a writer, director or actor in it.  Funny, that.