Posted by
ScarletPimpernel on Thursday, August 30, 2007 11:58:46 AM
(While I'm away attending the "David Thoreau - Back to Nature" convention, held at the Hyatt in downtown Atlanta, my guest host ponders the existence of Golf.)
by Christopher Higgins
I have to admit the truth - I don't believe in Golf anymore. It is a waste of time for me. Really I think it is a waste of time for most people. A great Golf game is a mythical ideal that can never be attained so why try? I've laid out the areas of Golf that show that it is a useless game.
Let's start with the game itself. Golf is never the same from day to day. One day I'll be really good at it and then I'll go to the exact same course the next day and do poorly. I play great when it's sunny but high winds or a muddy course really throw me off. And I think I've got the right club in my hand but I'll leave it short or put it in the water because the distance was wrong or I didn't hit it good. Golf! At my home course I shoot a steady 82 pretty much each time out. I really like the course there. Not really much of a challenge for me although I suppose if I tried some new things I might score better. That would certainly re-invigorate me. But when I go to South Carolina or Kentucky or to any new course I seem to fall away from my game. Sometimes it's the excitement of a new course or sometimes its the dread of facing a new challenge. I fall apart at a really tough course. I'll have a few beers to either steady my nerves or to celebrate but it doesn't seem to help. If I could just play the same course and the same way each time out Golf would be worth it to me.
The rules are hard and strict. You can't even move the ball if it lands in a terrible patch of ground - you have to play it where it lies. You have to call penalties on yourself and let me tell you, the temptations to "let it slide - no one will know" are great. I'm sick of always counting every stroke. You have to play from the same tees on each tee box once you've started a round. Technically, there are supposed to be no mulligans as well. No rolling the ball in the sand. So many rules. They don't make sense. I mean, how can I enjoy Golf if I can't do it my way? If the Golf Associations want more people to play, why don't they make the rules easier? Duh.
And the courses. There are so many different kinds. Some are longer, some are shorter. Some have tons of sandtraps. Some have too many water holes. And I hate those long par 5s. It's too hard. I never score well on them. You have to concentrate for so long and hard on them. The little par 3s look easy but they're protected by bunkers and hills and nasty slopes. A Golf course looks like a walk in the park but, boy, can it be hard on a Golfer.
Learning to play is time consuming. I bought the gear. I never took a lesson or read any of the "experts" books though. I don't like listening to others tell me what's what. I figured I could do it myself. I practiced hard for a season but I went back to my old swing which is very inconsistent. I just don't have time to practice. I know I should, but I don't score very well during a game anyway so what's the point? You know it takes hours of hitting all your clubs, and putting, and pitching to get good? Now who has time for that? I don't like to think about Golf when I'm away from the course. I just want to go out and do great when I'm feeling really good. Practice just bums me out. I know some guys who I never see practice and they do great. It's not fair.
And Golfers themselves. Or "Golfers" I should say because I suspect some of them aren't really Golfers from what I've seen them do. Some of these guys play awful. I don't even think it is Golf that they are playing. Of these type of guys there are two kinds: The guys who don't practice and it shows but still call themselves Golfers because that's what they believe they are. The other kind is the guys who actually do practice but just aren't very good. They call themselves Golfers too. Based on the play of both these kinds of "Golfers" I have concluded that Golf doesn't exist. Otherwise many more people would be able to play great.
And don't get me started on the cheaters in the game. These guys miraculously find their balls in thickets that a rabbit couldn't run through. Or their ball popped out of the creek onto the edge and we don't know how. Or it kicked back in the fairway off a telephone poll. I know one guy who rolled his in the sand. And we were playing for money! Some "Golfers" have trouble with math or they keep an eraser in their pocket. That's one of the reasons I don't believe in Golf anymore. Too many hypocrites.
We may hear of great Golf games and golfers from yore but, c'mon, what does that mean to me in a practical sense? Golfers are so inconsistent. Take Ken Venturi for instance. He was leading the Masters in 1955 as an amateur. On the last day, however, he 3-putted about 10 times and ended up losing. What a choker. How did he blow it? And then, at the 1964 U.S. Open Venturi almost died because of his devotion to the game. He won, but how dumb is it to put everything else in second place just to attain victory? They say Ben Hogan was great and Tiger Woods is currently great but how do I know that? I mean, I've never seen them in person. I've seen them on TV. These Golfers and these Golf Tournaments are always after money. These guys, driving around in their big cars. They don't care about the game. And besides, they're born with talent so it was easy for them.
No, I don't believe in Golf anymore. Too hard. Too restrictive. I'll play again when I see the perfect Golfer play the perfect game.